couples counseling Archives - The Relationship Recovery Program

Financial Infidelity

Posted on 01.12.16 |

January tends to be a financially stressful time for couples. In couples counseling, we often spend January navigating the effects of Holiday spending, end of year financial analysis (where the “big picture” of how you did financially last year becomes unavoidable), new financial demands in the new year, and differing financial goals for the new year.

Some of these stressful conversations are difficult, but ultimately do no damage to the relationship. One type of stressful financial conversation is the exception to this and has the potential to do great damage to the relationship.

What if you have been hiding your financial behavior from your partner or spouse?

Hiding relevant information or behavior from your partner will likely be considered betrayal by them. Whenever we break the explicit or implicit (unspoken) rules of our relationship, it is a betrayal.

In my couples counseling practice, I have seen a variety of explanations for why someone commits financial infidelity. Here are some recurring themes I see in couples counseling for why someone commits financial infidelity:

Feeling like your spouse is not open to your influence or input about money management.
Feeling over-controlled, “nit-picked”, or over-managed about money by your spouse.
Fear of your spouse’s judgement of you if you disclose a spending problem.
Disagreeing with your spouse’s financial goals and feeling you can’t productively discuss it with them.

The theme running through these reasons for financial infidelity is a feeling that your spouse is not open to your influence about money (how much to spend, what to spend it on, how much to save, what to save for), and a belief that it “won’t do any good” to talk about it. Both of these beliefs are a good reason to seek out some help with your relationship.

Couples counseling can help you navigate this without damaging your relationship further. The issues causing this to happen in the first place will show up in other areas of your relationship, too. It might not be only about money. You might also feel that you can’t talk to your spouse and have a good outcome regarding the differences in your idea of good childrearing, for example.

Dave Ramsey talks about money conflict

In my experience as a couples counselor, I find that people expect that they would feel less betrayed by financial infidelity than they would by sexual infidelity. When betrayal occurs, however; that’s not how it goes. People feel just as wounded by different types of betrayal.

When partners break the spoken or unspoken agreements that form the foundation of their relationship, it damages the relationship. It does not appear to matter what the nature of the betrayal is. If someone feels betrayed, they feel betrayed. It does not tend to happen in degrees. There are no “worse” or “less serious” forms of betrayal. I know that doesn’t tend to fit what we think or expect. Apparently, our expectations on this are not very accurate predictors.

When I counsel couples experiencing betrayal of any kind, I have noticed that the effects can be similar, no matter the nature of the betrayal. Couples counseling can help repair the damage done by betrayal, before our reaction to the betrayal makes it even worse. I find that couples who seek couples counseling quickly following a betrayal have less likelihood of further damaging the relationship with their reactions to the betrayal.

Financial infidelity is a good example of the truth that, what we expect to feel about something, isn’t exactly what we feel when it happens.

Kathy Cato

Couples Counselor, Raleigh NC

919-710-7145

Top Regrets of Divorced Couples

Posted on 10.4.15 |

One of the top regrets of divorcees is “I did not put my spouse first”.

Couples counseling is about creating relationships that work. Relationships that don’t work end in break-up or divorce. Divorced couples say one of the things they most regret is failing to put their spouse first. How would they have done better at this? What does it mean to put your partner or spouse first? You may think it’s obvious, but read below to see what you might be missing.

Putting your spouse/partner first means:

Take time for your partner.

Stop what you are doing and listen to your partner when they share.

Spend time cuddling, kissing, lounging together every day.

Share activities together- play golf, throw dinner parties, kayak etc…

Don’t let other things get in the way of the relationship.

Spend romantic time, even if you are exhausted from the day.

Talk about something other than the kids.

Take regular weekend breaks away- just the 2 of you.

Stop work to be with your partner.

Take your partner’s side.

Agree with your partner about things important to them.

Take your partner’s side in arguments with others, including your own family.

Back your partners up with your children- tell the kids to listen to your mate.

As a couples counselor in Raleigh NC, I have noticed that couples in trouble are almost always neglecting to put their mate first.

It’s a very common complaint to hear couples in distress voicing resentment that their partner did not:

Come home from work at a reasonable hour most of the time
Show up for a doctor’s appointment with them
Stay home from work when they were seriously ill
Put their work stress aside to talk about something else of importance to their partner
Accompany them to a difficult event or activity
Take time away from work for social or family events

Most of us are generally aware that these things are important. But there is another type of “putting your mate first” that tends to perplex us more.

It is #3, above. Take your partner’s side. I find as a couples counselor in Raleigh, NC that people have the most trouble with this one. Most couples who find themselves in need of couples counseling are having distress as a result of getting this one wrong. They do not feel that their partner is on their side, or has their back. When I see a couple in marriage counseling or relationship counseling, its this third category that tends to vex them the most. I think it’s worth some discussion.

Years ago, I met two couples in couples counseling with different versions of this problem (neglecting to take their mate’s side):

In the first couple, one partner felt the other disagreed with his parenting too much in front of their young son and was preventing him from having a good relationship with the child by making him look irrelevant or like an outsider to the child. He felt betrayed by his partner, and became angry and ungenerous with his partner. After repeatedly voicing his upset over this situation to no avail, he became snarky and sarcastic about his partner’s parenting. He stopped participating in discipline and withdrew. You can imagine the negative impact this had on their marriage. They learned the hard way to support each other in front of the children and save any concerns or disagreements about parenting for private conversation.

In the second couple, a woman was shunned by her husband’s family member. Instead of standing beside his wife and taking her side in the conflict, he continued to have a close relationship with the family member that excluded his wife. He attended birthdays and holiday gatherings with his family, but without his (unwelcome) partner. His wife came to feel unimportant, and turned elsewhere for attention. They learned the hard way that, even with parents and siblings, our mate must have our unwavering support.

Because life is often complicated, there are situations where these things might not apply, but in general it is important to come out on your partner’s side. Agree with their perspective. Back them up. Stand with them. Share their upset. If you find you cannot take your partner’s side, then it’s a good time to look into some couples counseling. It damages the relationship to fail in this area.

You may not agree with your spouse when they become belligerent at a family gathering, but you might want to take their side in the ensuing conversations. Your parents are more likely to forgive them and work it out going forward, if you exist with your spouse as a team. You needn’t agree it was ok for them to be belligerent, but you will benefit from the attitude that your spouse deserves forgiveness and that you really want your parents to forgive your spouse. You have your partner’s back by communicating that they deserve forgiveness and by standing with them insisting on it. You can talk to your partner about your discomfort with their belligerent behavior in private- between the two of you. (If your spouse then continues to be belligerent, then that’s another problem altogether, and it’s time to get some counseling.)

This goes both ways, when family is involved. It is important to stand with your mate where your parents’ behavior is involved, too. For more, see: Loyalty with In-Laws

In couples counseling, couples often ask “What if I don’t agree with my mate’s behavior or perspective on things?”. I usually respond by telling them that they had best find something to agree with in their partner’s point of view, and save their reservations for another time. Reservations are best brought up very carefully, and much later.

For example, a couple came into their marriage counseling arguing about her hurt that he was critical of her after an automobile accident. He said she drives recklessly. The hurt feelings and the damage their relationship suffered as a result of this argument could have been avoided if he had agreed with her right away that the other driver had been out of line in some way. He could have told her the next day that he had been thinking about her accident and wondering if she had considered her own speed at the time. She would have felt supported when she was upset, if he had handled it this way.

Our mate wants to feel supported, endorsed, protected, together. It is harmful to our relationship when we allow situations or people to cause us to fail in this. We all want to know our mate is on our side and has our back.

Divorced people point to their failure in this as a regret they have. I think that’s worth hearing.

Kathy Cato

Couples counseling, Raleigh NC

919-710-7145

Happy Couples

Posted on 08.24.15 |

“If one were to predict who would be physically healthy at age 75 the better predictor would be to see how high they rank their marital satisfaction levels rather than their medical cholesterol levels.” – Robert J. Waldinger, MD, Psychiatrist Brigham and Women’s Hospital & Harvard Medical School

Couples who exercise together

Posted on 07.23.15 |

Couples who exercise together reap benefits.

In couples or marriage counseling, people often work on improving their sex lives.

Revive a lagging sex life.
Improve sexual connection.
Improve relationship overall.

As a marriage counselor in Raleigh NC, I rely on a variety of therapeutic techniques to help couples with this challenge. One of them is exercising together.

Benefits of exercising together :

Better communication
Better problem solving
Increased sexual arousal
Shared feel-good chemistry
Better sense of being a team

Research shows that exercising together can make a relationship better both outside and inside the bedroom.
In couples counseling, I often recommend to couples that we turn up the volume on these exercise benefits by adding the element of competition. Engage in a competitive sport together. The chemical boost we get from winning (either against another team, or against our previous best performance) can add to our sense of connection and arousal.

Along those same lines, activities that produce what we commonly refer to as a “rush” like white water rafting, or rock climbing, could also serve to provide a similar benefit, particularly if we do them as a couple.

When it comes to exercise, its not absolutely necessary to add the competition or the “rush” to your activity. An example of exercise together with great couples benefits is dancing. Its no accident that many singles mingling locales add a band and a dancefloor!

There are many things in couples counseling and marriage counseling that can help you build better connections, better communication, and better sex with your mate. Exercising together is something you can do outside couples counseling to help build a better relationship.

See the research and links below for more information on how exercising together can be a benefit to your relationship.

Research from Oxford University suggests that working out in the company of others produces higher levels of endorphins (feel good chemicals) than working out solo creates.
It’s no surprise then that Linda Vanderbleek, a researcher at Troy University finds that couples who exercise together resolve conflicts faster and communicate better. She suggests this is because exercise boosts the chemicals in our brain that are associated with problem solving (like endorphins, serotonin, and dopamine).
It has long been understood that exercise increases the arousal we experience when presented with erotic stimuli. (Hamilton LD, Fogle EA, and Meston CM. J Sex Med 2008;5:845–853.
Cantor, Joanne R.; Zillmann, Dolf; Bryant, Jennings. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Vol 32(1), Jul 1975, 69-75)

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/201401/5-reasons-why-couples-who-sweat-together-stay-together

Kathy Cato
Couples Counseling Raleigh NC
919-710-7145