The Relationship Recovery Program

Kathy Cato, M.A., LCMHC

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Tel: 919-710-7145
Raleigh, NC
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Archives for 2015

Top Regrets of Divorced Couples

Posted on 10.4.15 |

One of the top regrets of divorcees is “I did not put my spouse first”.

Couples counseling is about creating relationships that work. Relationships that don’t work end in break-up or divorce. Divorced couples say one of the things they most regret is failing to put their spouse first. How would they have done better at this? What does it mean to put your partner or spouse first? You may think it’s obvious, but read below to see what you might be missing.

Putting your spouse/partner first means:

  1. Take time for your partner.

Stop what you are doing and listen to your partner when they share.

Spend time cuddling, kissing, lounging together every day.

Share activities together- play golf, throw dinner parties, kayak etc…

 

  1. Don’t let other things get in the way of the relationship.

Spend romantic time, even if you are exhausted from the day.

Talk about something other than the kids.

Take regular weekend breaks away- just the 2 of you.

Stop work to be with your partner.

 

  1. Take your partner’s side.

Agree with your partner about things important to them.

Take your partner’s side in arguments with others, including your own family.

Back your partners up with your children- tell the kids to listen to your mate.

 

As a couples counselor in Raleigh NC, I have noticed that couples in trouble are almost always neglecting to put their mate first.

It’s a very common complaint to hear couples in distress voicing resentment that their partner did not:

  • Come home from work at a reasonable hour most of the time
  • Show up for a doctor’s appointment with them
  • Stay home from work when they were seriously ill
  • Put their work stress aside to talk about something else of importance to their partner
  • Accompany them to a difficult event or activity
  • Take time away from work for social or family events

Most of us are generally aware that these things are important. But there is another type of “putting your mate first” that tends to perplex us more.

It is #3, above.  Take your partner’s side.  I find as a couples counselor in Raleigh, NC that people have the most trouble with this one. Most couples who find themselves in need of couples counseling are having distress as a result of getting this one wrong. They do not feel that their partner is on their side, or has their back.  When I see a couple in marriage counseling or relationship counseling, its this third category that tends to vex them the most. I think it’s worth some discussion.

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Years ago, I met two couples in couples counseling with different versions of this problem (neglecting to take their mate’s side):

In the first couple, one partner felt the other disagreed with his parenting too much in front of their young son and was preventing him from having a good relationship with the child by making him look irrelevant or like an outsider to the child. He felt betrayed by his partner, and became angry and ungenerous with his partner. After repeatedly voicing his upset over this situation to no avail, he became snarky and sarcastic about his partner’s parenting. He stopped participating in discipline and withdrew. You can imagine the negative impact this had on their marriage. They learned the hard way to support each other in front of the children and save any concerns or disagreements about parenting for private conversation.

In the second couple, a woman was shunned by her husband’s family member. Instead of standing beside his wife and taking her side in the conflict, he continued to have a close relationship with the family member that excluded his wife. He attended birthdays and holiday gatherings with his family, but without his (unwelcome) partner. His wife came to feel unimportant, and turned elsewhere for attention. They learned the hard way that, even with parents and siblings, our mate must have our unwavering support.

Because life is often complicated, there are situations where these things might not apply, but in general it is important to come out on your partner’s side. Agree with their perspective. Back them up. Stand with them. Share their upset. If you find you cannot take your partner’s side, then it’s a good time to look into some couples counseling. It damages the relationship to fail in this area.

You may not agree with your spouse when they become belligerent at a family gathering, but you might want to take their side in the ensuing conversations. Your parents are more likely to forgive them and work it out going forward, if you exist with your spouse as a team. You needn’t agree it was ok for them to be belligerent, but you will benefit from the attitude that your spouse deserves forgiveness and that you really want your parents to forgive your spouse.  You have your partner’s back by communicating that they deserve forgiveness and by standing with them insisting on it. You can talk to your partner about your discomfort with their belligerent behavior in private- between the two of you. (If your spouse then continues to be belligerent, then that’s another problem altogether, and it’s time to get some counseling.)

This goes both ways, when family is involved. It is important to stand with your mate where your parents’ behavior is involved, too. For more, see: Loyalty with In-Laws

In couples counseling, couples often ask “What if I don’t agree with my mate’s behavior or perspective on things?”.  I usually respond by telling them that they had best find something to agree with in their partner’s point of view, and save their reservations for another time. Reservations are best brought up very carefully, and much later.

For example, a couple came into their marriage counseling arguing about her hurt that he was critical of her after an automobile accident. He said she drives recklessly. The hurt feelings and the damage their relationship suffered as a result of this argument could have been avoided if he had agreed with her right away that the other driver had been out of line in some way. He could have told her the next day that he had been thinking about her accident and wondering if she had considered her own speed at the time. She would have felt supported when she was upset, if he had handled it this way.

Our mate wants to feel supported, endorsed, protected, together. It is harmful to our relationship when we allow situations or people to cause us to fail in this. We all want to know our mate is on our side and has our back.

Divorced people point to their failure in this as a regret they have. I think that’s worth hearing.

 

Kathy Cato

Couples counseling, Raleigh NC

919-710-7145

Happy Couples

Posted on 08.24.15 |

 “If one were to predict who would be physically healthy at age 75 the better predictor would be to see how high they rank their marital satisfaction levels rather than their medical cholesterol levels.” - Robert J. Waldinger, MD, Psychiatrist Brigham and Women’s Hospital & Harvard Medical School


“If one were to predict who would be physically healthy at age 75 the better predictor would be to see how high they rank their marital satisfaction levels rather than their medical cholesterol levels.” – Robert J. Waldinger, MD, Psychiatrist Brigham and Women’s Hospital & Harvard Medical School

 

Couples who exercise together

Posted on 07.23.15 |

Couples who exercise together reap benefits. 

In couples or marriage counseling, people often work on improving their sex lives.

  • Revive a lagging sex life.
  • Improve sexual connection.
  • Improve relationship overall.

As a marriage counselor in Raleigh NC, I rely on a variety of therapeutic techniques to help couples with this challenge. One of them is exercising together.

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Benefits of exercising together :

  • Better communication
  • Better problem solving
  • Increased sexual arousal
  • Shared feel-good chemistry
  • Better sense of being a team

Research shows that exercising together can make a relationship better both outside and inside the bedroom.
In couples counseling, I often recommend to couples that we turn up the volume on these exercise benefits by adding the element of competition. Engage in a competitive sport together. The chemical boost we get from winning (either against another team, or against our previous best performance) can add to our sense of connection and arousal.

Along those same lines, activities that produce what we commonly refer to as a “rush” like white water rafting, or rock climbing, could also serve to provide a similar benefit, particularly if we do them as a couple.

When it comes to exercise, its not absolutely necessary to add the competition or the “rush” to your activity. An example of exercise together with great couples benefits is dancing. Its no accident that many singles mingling locales add a band and a dancefloor!

There are many things in couples counseling and marriage counseling that can help you build better connections, better communication, and better sex with your mate. Exercising together is something you can do outside couples counseling to help build a better relationship.

See the research and links below for more information on how exercising together can be a benefit to your relationship.

  • Research from Oxford University suggests that working out in the company of others produces higher levels of endorphins (feel good chemicals) than working out solo creates.
  • It’s no surprise then that Linda Vanderbleek, a researcher at Troy University finds that couples who exercise together resolve conflicts faster and communicate better. She suggests this is because exercise boosts the chemicals in our brain that are associated with problem solving (like endorphins, serotonin, and dopamine).
  • It has long been understood that exercise increases the arousal we experience when presented with erotic stimuli. (Hamilton LD, Fogle EA, and Meston CM. J Sex Med 2008;5:845–853.
    Cantor, Joanne R.; Zillmann, Dolf; Bryant, Jennings. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Vol 32(1), Jul 1975, 69-75)

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/201401/5-reasons-why-couples-who-sweat-together-stay-together

Kathy Cato
Couples Counseling Raleigh NC
919-710-7145

 

Give your mate your attention!

Posted on 06.24.15 |

2012-07-01 12.43.27

If you want a happy relationship, give your partner your attention.

A friend sent me a cartoon recently, of a couple struggling with the interference in their relationship caused by their electronics .  http://i.imgur.com/bqHPkpc.jpg  As a couples counselor, I am always interested in ways to solve this dilemma in relationships.

In the cartoon, first one person, then the other, feels ignored because of electronic devices. The cartoon made me think about one of the findings in the research of John Gottman and his wife Julie Gottman in Seattle. The Gottmans, http://www.gottman.com ,  are a pair of well respected psychologists who do research into what makes happy and unhappy relationships different. Their research gives couples therapists information about how to help couples have a better relationship.

Their research has shown that, when your partner makes a “bid for your attention” such as saying something to you to initiate a conversation, looking at you, asking you to participate in something… that it is wise to give them your full attention. “Failed” bids for attention, characterized by ignoring or just not responding to these bids for attention, are characteristic of unhappy and ended relationships.

As a couples therapist in Raleigh, NC  I can attest to the accuracy of this research finding. Couples often come into marriage counseling sharing their hurt and loneliness about their sense that they are unimportant, or unvalued as a result of failed bids for attention. Even if its not all the time that their bids for attention fall flat, people feel hurt when it happens. The research confirms this.

So, while you might be distracted 20% of the time when your partner asks for your attention, the other 80% of the time, you will want to be receptive. Overall, happy couples tend to have an 80/20 split of positive/less than positive interactions. A bid for attention matters in this mix.

If you are currently in marriage counseling or couples counseling, bring this up in your next session. Ask your partner how he/she feels you are doing in terms of responding to their attempts to interact with you.

You might be surprised what you hear.

http://www.trivistacounseling.com

Kathy Cato
Relationship Counselor
Raleigh, NC

 

Questions to Ask Before You Commit

Posted on 05.11.15 |

Recently, Wendy Atterberry of DearWendy.com published a list of the things couples should discuss before they make a commitment to each other. It got me thinking about attraction and compatibility. Let’s face it, there are lots of people out there who are attractive. Far fewer of them are easy for us to live with. When we make a relationship commitment based on attraction, we risk our happiness. It almost certainly won’t make us happy to be partnered with someone who doesn’t share our goals and desires, or who doesn’t want to live in a way that works for us. We would probably end up feeling like they aren’t on our side. So, covering the bases will help you decide if you are compatible with someone. Because it takes more than just attraction to make a commitment work, here are the topics to cover:

  • Debt
  • Bills & Bank Accounts
  • Children
  • Parenting
  • Where and how you want to live
  • Vacations
  • Career Plans & Priorities
  • Family Obligations & Involvement
  • Sex
  • Division of Household Labor

The Value of A Good Laugh

Posted on 04.11.15 |

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Smiling makes for a happy family!

Research suggests that while both men and women say they like a “good sense of humor” in a mate, they mean different things by “a good sense of humor”. For men, a sense of humor is demonstrated by someone who laughs at their jokes. For women, a sense of humor is demonstrated by someone who makes them laugh.

About Kathy Cato

Kathy Cato

Kathy Cato, M.A., LPC
5500 McNeely Dr. Suite 101
Raleigh, NC 27612
KCato@TrivistaCounseling.com

Kathy has worked with couples in all stages of relationships for her entire professional career. Her practice style is relaxed, personal, and informal.

Clients have described Kathy as refreshingly straightforward and interactive.

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Most recent blog posts

  • Financial Infidelity January 12, 2016
  • Top Regrets of Divorced Couples October 4, 2015
  • Happy Couples August 24, 2015
  • Couples who exercise together July 23, 2015
  • Give your mate your attention! June 24, 2015

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